How many control freaks have you encountered in your life? Perhaps you identify yourself as one. I know. Never happens, right?

Few of us like others attempting to control what we do, but reality is there are many issues out of our control. The trick is zoning in on what we can and cannot control. It is much easier said than done.

The chaos of the current environment in the U.S. (and other parts of the world) can overwhelm to the point of paralysis. Mix in the stress of everyday life and you may feel your flame of self snuffed out.

I know I have felt that. So, I decided to regroup.

When Control Slips Away

One of my greatest joys in becoming a sole proprietor of my own business was more control over my life. But taking control creates other frustrations.

• Tackling techie challenges
• Handling everything from office maintenance to marketing
• And did I mention techie challenges?

However, in recent years between caregiving for my mom (who is over 100 years of age) and the avalanche of political unrest, that control evolved into operating by rote.

I accomplished tasks but they were not very satisfying. I needed to find ways to add value to what is important to me. I needed to find purpose.

Circling Around Control

My life and career focus is keeping it simple. To discover more value, I had to identify what is at the heart of my dissatisfaction and figure out what I could do about it.

Time to see what people smarter than me had to share. I came upon a concept of circles of control, influence, and concern.¹

The Psychology Today article describes each element.

1. Control – the circle with you in the middle is the smallest as there are few things you totally control.
2. Influence – our impact in this circle is somewhat bigger but there is a limited amount we can influence.
3. Concern – this circle is the “bad actor” as we have virtually no impact (e.g., climate change, hate crimes).

So, how do I use this concept?

 While I agree we cannot “fix” big ticket items on our own, we can control how we react. I started by listing three major issues upsetting my current apple cart.

#1 – Contributing to the fight to save our democracy.

Between the constant pummeling to the soul of democracy and the need to do something, my current situation had me feeling that paralysis affecting so many of us.

In my last post, I related that to my small business marketing. But that same political chaos is a major source of my current dissatisfaction.

Momcare prevents me from joining marches or events that would take me away from home for any extended time. As much as I would like to, it’s simply not possible. I contribute to causes and share credible sources, but I want to do more – something more tangible.

My research landed me on the doorsteps of Activate America. Inspired by the first Women’s March, the organizers formed the volunteer platform in 2017. Activate America coordinates with local, statewide, and national organizations to mobilize volunteers where they can do the most good.

Activate America offers a variety of programs (as illustrated below).

The best fit for me is the targeted Postcard campaign that encourages people to vote.

Source: Vertical Printing – Etsy

The current political environment is a major concern but as the author of this Psychology Today article expressed, spending my time and energy worrying about it only makes me feel worse. I cannot control it, but I can try to influence those who may want to sit out the next vote.

#2 – Reading more books.

I am thankful that both my mom and dad instilled the love of reading in me. I cherished the quiet moments when we would sit in our chairs, each reading a book.

I read before going to sleep at night. Prior to Mom’s changing sleep pattern, I would head to my bedroom early and read for an hour or two before turning out the light. Now Mom stays up later and by the time I get to bed, I am exhausted and rarely read for more than 15 minutes.

I miss my reading time. My side table has a backup of books that competes with the long lines of vehicles in southern California traffic.

I cannot control my mom’s sleep patterns but I can control my schedule and what I adjust. My typical morning consists of the following routine.

* I highly recommend you follow Dr. Richardson’s Letters from an American, which you can access on many different platforms besides Facebook (such as her Substack page, Apple podcasts, her YouTube channel, and many other social media platforms).

Changing Routine

I already established feeding Penny is not a flexible event 😀 and I feel the same way about my breakfast. So, that leaves reading Heather Cox Richardson and ESPN. I enjoy both but I especially need Dr. Richardson’s calm, reassuring posts. I plan to keep that as an integral part of my early morning ritual.

Mom typically does not get up for two to three hours after I do. Perfect reading time.

• I can catch up to ESPN later in the day (as they replay the same ‘stuff’ over and over again).
• Or catch the highlights in Sports Center in the first 30 to 60 minutes.
• Then read my book until Mom gets up.

#3 – Getting more walking time.

Those of you who know me understand how vital walking is to me.

• Walking nourishes my physical and mental health.
• It grounds me to keep going.
• It prepares me for my next 60-Mile, 3-Day Walk for the Cure.

Getting in walking time is a showcase in juggling skills. Weather, Momcare, and other commitments take my schedule on a roller-coaster ride of change. Once again, circumstances have changed that make walking time more challenging.

I always walk Penny, pushing her in a pet stroller (she’s been repeatedly attacked and also has hip issues). I take her to an area where she can get out and “do her thing,” but anyone who walks a dog knows it does not focus much on your exercise.

Stop – sniff – stroll – stop – sniff some more

Although I get more exercise than most by pushing the stroller, I miss the separate just-me walks I used to take. Once again, I cannot control the reasons my walking schedule has been turned upside down, but I can adjust.

My plan is to take it week by week. If I cannot get in a separate walk, I will forego Penny’s walks up to two times a week and take mine instead. I will substitute one of our chase games so Penny gets her exercise for the day. Not ideal but it is all I can see that will work for now.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Circle Back

When I get too hung up by my lack of control over a situation, I become frustrated and waste time and energy.

Letting go is not always easy but when I don’t, I soon realize I am exerting a lot of energy with little or no reward. I try to remember to circle back and ask myself the following.

Is this worth the energy?

Miller Energy Meter

If the answer is no (which it usually is), it’s time for me to move on. Yes, easier said than done. How do you deal with the frustrations of issues you cannot control? Share your thoughts in Comments.

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Notes & Credits:

1. ↩︎

Circles of Control, Concern, and Influence – Multiple sources credit Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People with the idea. But as this Psychology Today article notes, the origin of the control and concern elements of the concept come from “ancient Stoic philosophers.” Social psychologist Kurt Lewin developed the influence element in the 1940s.

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